The people I need around me are just not attainable or reachable.  Can not get them to understand what I need and how much I need them.  but I fear it's just too late to try and start over looking for others.  There just is not the time and I do not have the energy or the will to start over.  I guess all hope is lost.  And once hope is gone there is nothing left.

Just once I wish that someone would be able to understand me, just once in my life for things to go my way.  But It's just not in the stars for me.  I must spend my life alone and forgotten never to truly see the sunlight.

All I ever wanted is a small 50 acre farm with just a simple house.  So I could use the land to show the world what I can do with landscaping and lawn art.  To be able to own my own landscaping business  and have a place for family and friends to hangout.

But being on disablity has made it almost impossible to bring my dream to reality. And now I'm 40 years old and I'm afraid that time has run out for me to achieve my dream.  I will never be able to save enough money or find the help  I need to achieve this one and only dream.

I just do not know where to turn or who I can trust and have faith in anymore.  If anyone still reads this blog maybe someone out there will know what I can do besides just praying for a miracle.  My faith in prayer is alomst gone.

Well,

It's been a while since I posted last.  Things have been changing in my life.  Three months ago I lost my job and have not found work since.  But I have other sources of income so work does not worry me at the moment. 

With all the extra time I seem to have now I have been able to focus more on my artwork.  Which I'm pleased to be able to do.  I'm currently working on two major art projects, one a comic book serries for my two nieces, and my first very large drawing in color.  I usually work on several different projects at once splitting my time between them so I don't get overwhelmed in one project.

I've also chose to stop being around people so much I have just lost faith in people in general.  But maybe that's just for the best so I can just focus on my artwork instead and learn more about myself in the proccess.

Well fall is finially here and winter is not far behind.  Things are starting to look up for me now.  Finding more time to do things I like to do such as drawing and writing.  I have been making a few extra dollars through salvage work.  It brings in some money here and there.

I've been able to have time to spend with some friends.  It's been great to see some friends again.  I was starting to wonder if things were going to be slow and quiet for the rest of my life.  But thank goodness things are changing.  For the better it seems right now.

Starting to explore the opption of a new job.  something I'm more better suited for.

THe winds of change are in the air.  Big changes in my life are going on right now.  Tenitive plans are being made.  There are three opptions for me.  But what ever one it will be change is beginning.

I may not be completely ready for the changes .  But I'm willing to allow the changes to happen whatever way it does.  I may be giving up everything I have and loosing my family and friends.  I may end up living the rest of my life alone.  Or I could be gaining more than I could ever image.  No matter how things end up I'm ready for it to happen.

Up to now my life has been worth very little.  I have not done much with my life.  I've helped only a very small amount of people.  I wish I would have been able to help more people.  I have not been a very good son and brother.  I have given my family alot of pain even though they have not said so I can tell.

I hope I can do more in the near future but I just don't know what will happen.  If I end up alone for the rest of my life I am prepared for it.  I have learned sewing, cooking, carpentry, and many other skills.  I can survive on my own but for how long that would be I don't know.  It could be only for a few short months or It could be for another 50 years. 

All I can say is that I have tried my best to do what is good and honorable.  BUt I'm affraid that it's just not enough.

Well lately have been trying to make time during the evenining to hangout with friends.  Have invted friends to hangout with me at places that I can afford. 

But To no aveil.  No one shows up.  I started this because my friends work during the day or are otherwise busy.  Even though I have more free time in the morinings and early afternoons.  I have started reworking my time so I would have more free time to spend with friends. 

Most of the time I do not have the money to meet them in a resturant or even a coffee shop.  I usually have to hang out at a gorcerystore deli or a truck stop  Where I can get either free or cheap coffee.

But I just don't think my friends understand this.  Even though I have mentioned several times.  They just don't want to meet where I can afford to go.  Yet they always want me to show up at resturants when they go out.  I ussually have to turn them down because I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

I could just as well stay home and be alone.  Why should I waiste my time going out to be alone as well. 

I invted 6 people out tonight but they all called and said they could not make it.  So why should I keep trying.

The artistic proccess, is different for each artist.  Even the most highly skilled artists still had a proccess that required time.  There is always research to do, which can take time depending on subject matter.  Then there are sketches and compission styles to work out.  And even the best get stumped from time to time.

The artistic proccess for me may be different then others.  First there is the research stage stage, which can take quite a while for me.  Since I have limited access to subject matters.  And only know the basics of searching the enternet.  THen comes the sketches and compission of the piece.  Since I have no formal trainning as a artist this can take a lot of trial and error to get the piece looking the way I envission it to be in my mind.  my hands don't always want to work the way my mind sees things.

So I tend to work on a piece for a while til I get stumped.  then I go to another piece and work on it for a while.  During which time this proccess tends to help me get unblock on a previous piece.  So I go back to that piece and work til I get stumped on it again or til I can finish it.  But this part of the proccess can go on for a long time some times.  It all depends on what the subject matter for the piece is.

As they always say that the artistic proccess cannot be rushed.  Even though I may not have any formal trainning as an artist I like to draw and have fun seeing just what I can draw.  no matter if it is a serrious subject matter or just something completely silly.  I have never drawn in a professional copacity before, ever.  Til as of late.  I am finding it to be a challenge,  but one that is worth the effort even though it has brought some strains on relationships and friendships.  I still would not trade the experience for anything in the world.  If offered the chance again in the future I would just go about it differently and have more say in what needs to be put into any contracts.

All in all though it is a growing proccess for me and I'm learning alot about what not to do next time I'm offered such a honorable oppurtunity.

Here is just a little hint on what I have been working on.  the first pic was a commissioned art piece that should not have been posted.

I am refocusing my energies on some new projects.  Both of these new projects deal with my art.  I am doing some art work for a couple of friends for their books.  Mostly childrens books.

My second project is I'm working on a serries of comic books. That will be based on universal morals That most peoples and nations go by.

I will post some of my art when I get some in their completed form.  These two projects should take most of the winter.  When I have the first comic book ready then I will have to look for a publisher.  But that hopefully will not be til spring.

I am not dumb nor am I blind.  I can see what is going on around me.  I can see what is coming.   I too have seen vissions of future events.  I know things have already been set in motion, bad things.

But what I cannot blieve in is that these things are carved in stone.  That our future is fixed.  I have to believe that the future can aways be changed.  that we the human race can change what distruction is to come.  I have to believe that we can still make possitive changes that will change our future for the better and not the worst.

I have based my whole life's work on this.  Even though I can see all the gloom and doom others have been preaching and warning us about really happening.  I need to believe that it still can be changed.

That is why I have choosen to teach and preach possitive changes such as world peace, racial and religious toulerance, helping each other unconditional love and the bonds of family.I was raised by a minister and for 21 years have heard about doom and gloom of mankind.

Mankind has always been preached to about it's own doom ever since man first set foot on the earth.  This has been so engrained into them that is why there is so much greed, cruelity, and hatred in the world today.  Many believe that the world will end soon and they need to grab for as much power and wealth as they can now.  And don't care who they hurt along the way to their climb for power.

That's why I believe that in order for possitive change to take place, one must teach and preach about possitive change. If this future can not be changed then my life's work has been for nothing, a complete waiste and not worth living.

I am just a nobody teaching possitive change to who ever will listen.  I have no following like many other light workers do. I have no supporters no fancy business or government ties.  I only have myself and what I teach to back me up.  I am my only supporter.

So if the future of the human race is fixed and unchangable then my life's work is a complete waiste and I am but a fool.